Weekend Update (not the funny kind)

The weekend is coming to a close, so I figure I should write in this thing again.

Friday I spent working until 8PM, Kenny came over during that time, and after I was done we went out to the mall to pick up another controller for my XBox and a game. We came home and played for a bit and he went home around 2AM. I didn't end up sleeping until about 6AM (I've had insomnia alot lately).

Saturday I went over Marci's at around 2PM (I was supposed to show up around Noon, but I really needed to get some sleep in). While I was over there we talked about things, had some fun, etc. But I feel bad, I mostly slept there. She had plans with Jessica to go bowling and asked me if I wanted to go, I said I would, but when she asked Jessica, Jessica said "I don't think I'd feel comfortable around him". Uhhh, WTF? Bitch, me and MARCI had the relationship, and she ASKED me to come. In my opinion Jessica just saw an oppertunity to be her meddling, self serving, nosy, bitchy self and jumped on it. I usually don't rant about people, but I'm sorry, that's just fucking rediculous.

Anyway, Kenny picked me up from Marci's and we went over Terry's (The Champ's) for a Mini-LAN party. We played some DotA, Enfos, Everquest TS (all Warcraft maps) and it was a good time. Kenny got me home around 2:15 and got home himself about 2:40 (10 minutes later than he said he would be..) I ended up not sleeping again until 6AM (ugh).

Woke up today when Kenny called (like he said he would) and he came over 20 minutes later. I was supposed to go over to his house today around 2PM or so, but I was too tired so he went home without me (I'm sorry). He came back later in the day and we played some Halo and Guilty Gear X2 together on the XBox.

Anyway, that's my exciting weekend.. I'll post more often during the week.. I'm sure

A chance meeting?

Well, alot has happened since the last post.

I have tried to make amends with Marci for everything that has happened, and while it's going to take awhile, I believe I'm on the right track there. She's been my friend for too long.. I couldn't imagine being without her in my life in one form or another.

I went over her house Saturday to get the last of my stuff from there, which is now strewn all over the basement here (no storage at all). Found a few things I was looking for (thank god) and everything seems to be settling down from the move. Took a month though..

Last night I went over my friend Terry's house and played Warcraft until at least 6AM, came home at like 7:15 or so and tried to sleep. Kenny came over at Noon today and I fell asleep while he played Everquest 2 on my computer. I felt bad that I fell asleep, but he made me feel better by telling me that the amount of time we spend together, it's bound to happen.

Anyway, as I was saying, Kenny was playing Everquest 2 on my computer. In my sleep, I heard him go "someone is inviting me to a guild".. I figured it was some idiot who just goes around inviting random people to guilds so I told him to just decline it. He did and went on his merry way. He seems to have leveled to 7 or 8 (I forget) in about 6 hours which isn't that bad for someone who doesn't really play these types of games often.. Sooo, later in the night I get a message from Marci stating "You'll never guess who I ran across today in Everquest 2". I knew INSTANTLY who invited Kenny to a guild now. I turned to him, asked him "What guild invited you, was it Aurora?" and he just said "I think so". Small world isn't it?! Marci knew Kenny's name in the game because she looked at my character list yesterday while I was at her house. That was just freaky :-P

Anyway, I am pretty tired again, my schedule is all messed up now, but I'm operating on Pacific time for work, so it's not THAT bad.. Hope to get back to normal over the course of this week.

Mistakes were made...

I know he meant well, but lordy Kenny screwed up tonight...

He came over today after classes and sat with me while I was working. He played some games, we went out for Dinner (fast food so I could get back to work) and he helped me get a network adapter for my new Tivo (Yay for that). Normal weekday visit by him. Anyway, he went home and messaged me quoting something he wrote to someone. I felt my heart drop into my stomach.

He was sitting at home messaging Marci, giving her advice about me, etc. I was literally ready to die. I mean, I KNOW he meant well, and he's a sweetheart for trying to get her "over me" because I told him I wouldn't be truly happy until I saw her happy again, but.. That was sooo the wrong way to do it (sorry Kenny, but it was)..

I didn't give him her screenname, I didn't tell him to message her, in fact, I never thought he would, but by golly, he did!

Anyway, Marci messaged me later in the night asking me if I knew who was harassing her, after a long discussion I think I cleared the matter up, but he left the absolute WORST first impression on her and she knows who he is (she's not dumb).

So.. Kenny, I know you meant well and I know you did it because you care about me, but run things like that by me from now on so I can say "omg hell no!" Ok?!?

Someday..

I lied in the last post... I'm really really not 100% happy with my life right now. I'm really scared about all the decisions I've made recently and while I know my heart and mind are both telling me they're right, I just can't get over the fact that I had the most true, unconditional love in the world and I pushed it away...

I mean, I know I made the right decision, I know that there's no way I can love her as she loves me, but I really REALLY am having a hard time living with myself right now through all this... It's keeping me up at night, it's eating away at my insides.

I know I've told people that there's nothing wrong, that I feel fine, but the reality is that I am in a severe bout with my depression and if I was as weak a person as I was years ago, I would probably be dead right now... Thankfully I have realized that by doing that, I would only hurt the ones I love even more. So the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

I guess I really shouldn't have expected acceptance from her... I mean, How would you react if you were dating someone for a year, everything seems to be going fine, and then they up and leave you, citing they're gay. It's not something that's really easy to stomach. I lie in my bed and think of all the pain I have caused her and I can't help but just start spiraling down into depression even more. I want to get together with her, to say I'm sorry, to hug her and let her know how much I REALLY do care about her, but I don't know if I can deal with the uncomfortable feeling just yet... She wanted me to come over Sunday and like an asshole I cancelled last minute. I got scared. I can't believe I did, but I did...

I promised her I'll visit when I have my license back (soon) but until then, I really don't know if I can handle being there without a means to leave if I feel really uncomfortable. I can just imagine something going wrong between us and then me having to either sit there waiting for my ride to come or asking her mother to bring me home.. I don't want to have to do that. Not that I expect anything to go wrong, quite the contrary... But, I guess I am really scared.

I hope she'll find it in her heart to forgive me one day, to realize that I had to do this for myself to actually feel happy. I thought the instant I told someone, someone close to me, things would get easier and I would be at least a little happier.. Boy was I wrong huh? Things have gotten MUCH more complex and while I have my times of happiness, overall, I'm a LOT more sad. It has nothing to do with the person I'm with right now, or anything else in my life except the thought of how she must have felt when I told her..

I'm rambling and I really shouldn't. I should probably read this, edit it and just post a lot less, but I won't. It's not fair to myself, to the people involved, and it defeats the purpose of a Blog doesn't it?

I just hope.. someday.. we'll be friends again.

Life, reloaded..

My life is completely different now and I'm actually really happy about it. I am very happy where I am right now and I could go on and on about why, but I'll just leave it at that.

You want to see something rather interesting? It's a Japanese gamer playing Ikaruga (a game which I have on order from eBay, just waiting for it to come) in which he controls both players and beats the game.

For those of you who don't understand the game, you have a ship with 2 attacks, normal and super, and 2 modes, black and white. If your ship is in black mode, you absorb black attacks and deal double damage to white things (but instantly die to a white attack), and vice versa.

Anyway, here's the video.

I'll post more about what's going on in my life a little later, until then!