Someday..

I lied in the last post... I'm really really not 100% happy with my life right now. I'm really scared about all the decisions I've made recently and while I know my heart and mind are both telling me they're right, I just can't get over the fact that I had the most true, unconditional love in the world and I pushed it away...

I mean, I know I made the right decision, I know that there's no way I can love her as she loves me, but I really REALLY am having a hard time living with myself right now through all this... It's keeping me up at night, it's eating away at my insides.

I know I've told people that there's nothing wrong, that I feel fine, but the reality is that I am in a severe bout with my depression and if I was as weak a person as I was years ago, I would probably be dead right now... Thankfully I have realized that by doing that, I would only hurt the ones I love even more. So the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

I guess I really shouldn't have expected acceptance from her... I mean, How would you react if you were dating someone for a year, everything seems to be going fine, and then they up and leave you, citing they're gay. It's not something that's really easy to stomach. I lie in my bed and think of all the pain I have caused her and I can't help but just start spiraling down into depression even more. I want to get together with her, to say I'm sorry, to hug her and let her know how much I REALLY do care about her, but I don't know if I can deal with the uncomfortable feeling just yet... She wanted me to come over Sunday and like an asshole I cancelled last minute. I got scared. I can't believe I did, but I did...

I promised her I'll visit when I have my license back (soon) but until then, I really don't know if I can handle being there without a means to leave if I feel really uncomfortable. I can just imagine something going wrong between us and then me having to either sit there waiting for my ride to come or asking her mother to bring me home.. I don't want to have to do that. Not that I expect anything to go wrong, quite the contrary... But, I guess I am really scared.

I hope she'll find it in her heart to forgive me one day, to realize that I had to do this for myself to actually feel happy. I thought the instant I told someone, someone close to me, things would get easier and I would be at least a little happier.. Boy was I wrong huh? Things have gotten MUCH more complex and while I have my times of happiness, overall, I'm a LOT more sad. It has nothing to do with the person I'm with right now, or anything else in my life except the thought of how she must have felt when I told her..

I'm rambling and I really shouldn't. I should probably read this, edit it and just post a lot less, but I won't. It's not fair to myself, to the people involved, and it defeats the purpose of a Blog doesn't it?

I just hope.. someday.. we'll be friends again.